out with the old, in with the new.

we were having major-and i mean pretty frequent and intense-breakdowns and tantrums a week ago. methods we'd been using started being incredibly ineffective and tensions were hitting their peaks. we knew we had to do something different but didn't know what.

last week i found a used bookstore about 20 minutes from where we live that i really wanted to check out. we drove there after the girls' naps. i had assumed they were rested and not too hungry or thirsty and that everyone would have fun wandering around the bookstore and looking at kids books.

wrong. nola fussed most of the time, hit her head on the corner of a wooden box, avery jumped on a chair after being asked not to, then was being difficult when it was time to leave and pay for our books. the end result was me paying while zane wrangled the girls in the parking lot, then having avery scream "you stop getting me!" while i took her from zane to put her in the car.

the one amazing thing from that trip (aside from knowing that this bookstore exists and i want to go there frequently) is the book on parenting i found. and had already been looking for-or meant to look for everytime we went to the library and then i'd forget. this book has changed life and emotions in this house.

old way:

avery- i want that buppa! (her pacifier)

me/zane- avery, you get your buppa in bed.

avery-I WANT THAT BUPPA, PLEASE! buppa!

me/zane- calm down, you're fine. you'll get your buppa when you go to sleep. go play with your blocks.

(fyi, this isn't necessarily a real conversation, and i don't think we were that impersonal before, just trying to show a point)

new way (real situation)

avery- (sees nola with a buppa downstairs that she found) I WANT THAT BUPPA!

me/zane- wow, you really want that buppa!

avery- i want that buppa, PLEASE!? (starts to whimper and get upset)

me/zane- you are so frustrated that you can't have that buppa because nola has it right now.

avery- (walks away to play with my shoes)

literally, night and day. we label her feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, hunger/thirst/tired. we give her acknowledgement that she's feeling strongly about something. we give her 100% permission to feel that way. (we had already been doing this with her positive emotions-"you're so excited to be going to the beach!" "i can tell from your giggles how happy you are to watch this movie"). sometimes that's all it takes for her to switch gears. sometimes we have to end it with "you are so angry at nola for knocking down your block tower. when you're angry you can leave the room and stomp your feet, but you can't hit". while giving permission to have all the anger she has, we're also letting her know the proper ways to express herself and what's not acceptable.

i have 1,000 more examples of how amazing this has worked for us. the first day we tried it, i was exhausted by 10am. it's a whole new way of thinking/speaking/relating. i realized how much i used to say "oh, you're fine" or "it's not a big deal" or "you're just tired/hungry, you need to relax". i was dismissing her feelings and it feels horrible to think that she ever felt like her emotions were insignificant or petty.

since we started this new method, things have drastically improved. it's almost becoming second nature to respond to her with more understanding and respect. and she's giving all that back to us too. i feel like i have a new perspective and appreciation for my little neander-devil :)

ps, the one meltdown she had the first day was when she was sitting on the "big potty" upstairs and she joked about falling in. my response? "you won't fall in! look, i'll show you how you can sit back"...wailing, screaming, crying. i should have said "you're scared that this is a big potty and you're a little girl. you think you might fall in. i can show you how to sit back so that it doesn't seem as scary or dangerous to you". i'm almost 100% sure that she would have been fine after that. instead, i basically told her she was foolish to feel scared. nice mama.

pps, the book is "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". highly reccommended for anyone who has kids, works with kids, engages with kids in any meaningful way.