just to lift my spirits a bit :)

my little girl is sleeping and i'm exhausted and trying to ignore my grossly swelled ankles and legs...instead of barging in her room and wrestling myself into her crib to snuggle, i thought i'd put up a picture :) i'm done, i feel a bit better...

happy day!

HAPPY 18 MONTHS, lovebug. bedhead and all! :)

after waking up crying both yesterday morning and from her nap, she is back to herself this morning with big smiles :) i can't believe my baby is a year and a half old!

and...happy birthday, mom! hope it's a wonderful one :)

is it too late...

to find a new doctor?

to make a LONG and silly story short, i hope i have the baby this week so i don't have to go back and see this dr. next week.

a few highlights:
-only reading last week's appt notes and not understanding/knowing anything that has happened throughout this pregnancy
-second guessing my decision to have a c-section without knowing why this decision had been made
-practically breaking my back by having me lay flat and trying to get me to lay my legs down, then moving my foot and (after i started crying) saying "all i did was lift your foot. it doesn't take much does it?" and then asking how long i've been having back problems. look in my chart dr. i'm sure it's there.
-measuring my belly while i'm laying flat, staring at my belly that looks like a camel with 2 humps with the way the baby is laying for minutes at a time and NOT being able to measure me correctly (i'm now measuring 3 weeks behind! how about that...)

so. horrible appointment. i felt like a freak on show with her staring at my stomach and not knowing what to say (and then saying the wrong things when she did open her mouth). can't wait for next tuesday!

memorializing my complaints...on this memorial day weekend.

warning: much complaining and moaning to follow...if nothing else, take a moment and say "aww :(" about the cut on avery's face. she had an unfortunate run in with her mini-keyboard.

i was just standing talking with zane when he told me to go sit on the couch. i said "it feels like all my extra weight is flattening my feet like play-dough". i think i went on to say something like "i'm sick of this" or "i can't do this anymore". both statements hold a little bit of truth, but i'm also really grateful and in awe that i've gotten a chance to experience pregnancy again and all that it brings and i feel guilty when i say things like the above complaints.

zane has been telling me for a while that i need to write out all that is weighing me down (hows that for being "pun-ny") and to "put it all out there". i know what he's thinking...

the scene: pickles is 6 months old and i see a cute little pregnant girl with a 6 month belly hopping along merrily. i instantly forget every ache, pain, insecurity, moment of frustration/impatience.

because yes, it's all worth it. every bad second/day is miniscule to all the joys that a child will bring into your life...the giggles (from the first to the toddler's uncontrollable cackle when they find something you do so silly), the experiments with new foods, the first deliberate movements("she put her hand on that toy on purpose!", "i swear she's going to roll over any day", "she keeps getting on her hands and knees and rocking!", "did she just take a step??? i think she took a step!?", "jump! you can do it! just get those feet off the ground!!"), the sound of their voice (they could be saying your name or pouting "no!" and it's all cute), the look of pure pride when they successfully blow a note on the recorder they've been playing with for months...

of course i'd take 9/10 months of misery and anxiety mixed with excitement and anticipation and longing and happiness. if it means that i get to see the best parts of zane and i wrapped up in a bundle of super soft skin with baby eyelashes, budding confidense and stinky piggy toes (um, just kidding avery, your piggies always smell like roses...), yes, sign me up.

but let me also complain every now and then. and write it down. so i remember in a few years when i'm holding a friend's newborn and i long to be back in that place of sleep deprivation and bliss and eagerness to witness what the next hour holds, i'll remember that the journey to that place isn't always the prettiest or easiest for me to handle.

*i want SO badly to have the energy to keep up with things like: picking up the toys throughout the house, putting laundry away, cleaning the bathrooms before dust bunnies the size of our mini-van take over, helping organize food on the new shelves we got for the basement stairs. and honestly, there are some days when i do have that energy. which would be great if i didn't have days/hours with near debilitating back/joint pain. there is just no way for me to get these things done if i want to be able to move about and provide adequate care for avery. and i should just tell myself that these things aren't important. but after months of not being able to take care of them, they have become almost an obsession and i think of the day that i can load the dishwasher and not have to sit down for a 1/2 hour afterwards.

*now that it's getting warmer out, i've discovered i have zero heat tolerance. none. getting hot outside in the sun makes me angry. i go out because avery loves to play in the sandbox and i'd feel like a hermit if i stayed inside on really nice sunny days. but it's not as enjoyable for me now as it always has been.

*i got winded this morning after i took a shower and blow-dried my hair.

*i haven't gone to the park with zane, avery and the dogs in months. and i so miss it.

*i thought i was set for clothes for warm weather. "oh ya, i've got lots of cotton skirts that are stretchy that'll be just perfect!" hmm, didn't take into consideration that my belly would be so big and my shirts so small (yes, even the maternity ones) that the only option to ensure the entire world doesn't see my "underbelly" would be my pants that have a panel. and those are just hot on semi-warm days.

*the way i gain weight when i'm pregnant goes like this: add 40+ lbs to my belly. don't bother spreading it out evenly. just pile it all out front. yes, that should be good and comfortable. (maybe i'm delusional and have really packed on pounds everywhere, but to me it seems like it's in my belly and i have no support added elsewhere.)

*as any other mom knows, guilt seems to be lurking everywhere. "i know she's crying because she just got a shot, but i feel guilty that i can't make it better", "i know i haven't showered in 4 days and complain how i need a break, but i feel guilty that i want to take 5 minutes off from being mom". and now there's "i know a treat of french fries and a milk shake doesn't make up for anything, but i feel guilty that i'm pregnant and lacking in motivation and stamina to make homemade play-dough and take you to the park. i still love you immensely though!".

just a quick look at the good things so i don't completely dissolve into tears :) the first tiniest of "pops" to the little flutters to the insane movements that i'm still convinced will end up breaking my water, the fact that avery is gaining a sibling and playmate and arch enemy all in one!, food just tastes so.much.better., for a few minutes every once in a while people pay attention to me again and my needs (that was a big lesson learned after i had baby #1 :)), the days when i skip the guilt and lay down when avery is sleeping, the drive to be organized, clutter free and clean (i only hope this keeps up when the baby is here and i can function)

ok, so i lied. all the pregnancy weight hasn't gone just to my belly... and zane tells me it was bright outside and that's why my eyes aren't opened much. no, love, it's cause sleeping sucks right now :)

36 weeks...

a great start to a dr's appointment :)
dr: hi! how was your weekend? how are you feeling?
me: it was good, i'm feeling big. (laugh a little)
dr: well, you are big! i mean, no offense!! but you are bigger than most other women at your stage in pregnancy. you should be feeling big.

so. quick post. had my 36 week appointment today. it's probably the last time i'll see my dr, she's due before me and has been having some blood pressure issues, so she doesn't expect to be in the office after this week. it's a little weird to go through the last few weeks with a new dr, but i knew this to begin with...
things looked good. blood pressure good, weight gain- another 4 lbs, she thinks it's mostly water weight, heartbeat in the high 140's/low 150's, belly (and baby i'm assuming) still measuring 2 weeks ahead. for some reason i've been anxious about going into labor early...i think it's me trying to prepare myself for the exact opposite of what happened with avery. i asked the dr at what point they would let labor continue and not try to intervene and she said if i went into labor today, they wouldn't try to stop it. i was shocked. i'm not expecting (or wanting) to go early at all, but it's nice to know things are ready and good to go if i did.
she also said i might get another ultrasound next week to check once more on pickles' size, but we didn't set anything up. i'd be fine if i didn't have another one. i know they can be off and the thought of laying down on my back for the u/s makes me want to cry. we'll see.
so...my due date (the one they go by) is a month from today and i'm waitlisted for the c-section 4 weeks from today. we're good to go :)

it's friday.

i don't even have the energy to come up with a better post title...im exhausted beyond words today for some reason and it took every ounce of me to keep it together until avery's nap. i'm so relieved it's friday.

we had our hospital tour the other night. it was short and sweet and all of a sudden real. zane and i were like giddy school kids when we got to walk past the nursery and see a few little babies sleeping soundly inside. "they're so little!" "look at their little hats!" "i want one!!" "oh my gosh, we're going to have one of those again soon!" panic. excitement. disbelief. joy!

the labor floor was completely booked that night, which worked out great for us. the tour couldn't show us a regular labor room, instead we saw the c-section recovery room (which was directly across from the or...i nearly passed out when i saw the doors...) on the labor floor and then the regular post partum rooms a couple floors below. i'm glad we got the chance to see where we'll be- i definitely feel more ready now. kind of :) i still need to find a present for avery from pickles, pack my hospital bag, finalize my "day in the life of avery" schedule for family watching her while i'm in the hospital, and get the infant seat in the car. and if i could find some clothes that fit without breaking the bank, that'd be good too ;)

here's week 35 (almost 36)

in avery news...i think she's starting to put 2 words together randomly. her babbles are getting a bit more complex and i've heard her say "all done ____" a few times. i really think we're gearing up for a big explosion of words/talking. she's also getting even better at the spoon feeding! last night she seemed insatiable before dinner and kept asking for different snacks. finally i sat her at the table with a spoon and yogurt and she was perfectly content to feed herself and shout her babbles to the kitchen where we were cooking :) i love seeing her get so much more mature each day! i got her some play-dough today and she walked around trying to feed it to all her toys (and the "baby" in my belly). i can't wait to see what she's going to think of the baby in the outside world!

list of 8's...

i'm tired of laying down when avery does and not falling asleep-or staying asleep for long-so instead i'm following some random bloggers 'list of 8's' to pass the time :) could i be doing something more productive? absolutely. but i don't want to.

*8 things i'm looking forward to:
1. pickles' arrival. aka-not being pregnant anymore. but not before s/he is supposed to come out :)
2. zane's summer vacation!
3. taking avery to town day this weekend.
4. homebrewing our next batch of beer. and drinking one some hot night on the back deck.
5. being able to stand up, walk around or be active for more than 10 minutes without getting completely exhausted with an aching back
6. taking avery to the zoo/petting zoo! she's going to have so much fun seeing animals live!
7. going on a date with zane...sometime after pickles is born and i'm recovered.
8. the fall...picking apples, pumpkins, etc with both kids!
9. getting plants and grass for our front yard
oops, forgot to stop at 8.

*8 things i did yesterday
1. toured the hospital
2. sat out in the sun while avery played in her sandbox
3. shared a box of rice a roni with avery
4. chatted with our neighbor while avery and her daughter ran up and down the driveway
5. ate gross fast food
6. bought 2 mesh hampers in an effort to come up with a good laundry system.
7. wrote out a shopping list for costco
8. got hit by avery because i wouldn't let her run down the street by herself ;)

*8 things i wish i could do
1. pick a stupid color to paint our living room and get it done.
2. walk to the park with avery, zane and the dogs everyday.
3. go out and buy candy. right now. avery's sleeping.
4. sit by a pool just for one day by myself. well, i guess zane could join me. no kids though. just for a day :)
5. sleep on my back
6. take a nap during the day!
7. have the upstairs magically organized and clean
8. have the grass magically grow in our yard

*8 shows i watch
1. seinfeld.
2. anything on tlc
3. america's funniest home videos...i can't believe this show is still going!
4. sesame street :)
5. everybody loves raymond.
can't think of any more specific shows...

*8 of my favorite fruits
1. pineapple
2. nectarines
3. watermelon
4. strawberries
5. apples
6. grapefruit
7. cherries
8. grapes

*8 places i'd like to travel
1. grand canyon
2. hawaii
3. anywhere in the caribbean
4. italy

*8 places i've lived...
1. belmont
2. norton
3. arlington
4. nh
5. nh (different town)
6. watertown
7. nh (different house)
8. belmont (different house)

play along if you'd like... if you do, let me know so i can read your lists :)

what's in there?!

ok, now that i'm a bit more coherent than last night, i want to add a few things about yesterday. the one picture i have of avery and i (not counting the one of me looking annoyed at bedtime while she is screaming for "dada!"). she thought it was funny to bend her head back and i was blowing on her neck to try and get her to smile and at least look at me. didn't work.

as i said before, avery and henry had a good time together. we managed to miss getting the really sweet, innocent and unplanned kiss between them on film. avery getting ready...

we did get this though...avery was getting tired and kept laying herself back on the rug while they were playing. we were egging them both on to give kisses, so henry obeyed. i hope this doesn't end up on the wrong side of the internet...

we were all sitting around watching the kids play when henry came up to me.

henry: "what's in there?" pointing to my belly

me: "it's a baby!"

henry: "how'd it get in there?"

zane (in the background): "uh...ask your mother!"

henry: "what, did ya eat it?!"

the whole room laughs like fools...kids... :)

happy mother's day

i wish i had the energy to write a bunch about today, but i really just don't have it in me. i'm exhausted and even though it's barely 8, i'm about to head to bed. we hosted a little cookout here today and zane once again pulled through and made an amazing meal! it was the three of us, g-ma kathy, grammy and gramps, linda and david and suzanne and henry.

the picture above really has nothing to do with mother's day but i didn't really get any other good pictures from today. there were only 2 attempts to get a picture of avery with me and neither was successful. and i wish i had thought to get a picture with my mom and with zane and kathy. ugh, things got hectic and then the afternoon was over.

but...avery and henry had a blast together once things settled down and got enough food/treats. he was such a good big cousin, so gentle with her when they were playing chase and trying to play pretend games with her even though she couldn't really follow ;)

hope everyone had a wonderful mother's day!

our big kids!

avery's independence. it's been emerging for some time now, but lately it's reached a new level. shaking of the head when she doesn't want something. pointing (or using the word if she knows it) when she does want something. her cute little voice saying "no!", her cute little voice saying the same word 9,206 times until you acknowledge and respond. and most recently wanting to feed herself. today was the first day she let me show her how to hold the spoon so that she was more effective in getting applesauce from the cup to her mouth. she made slow, deliberate movements and finished the whole thing herself! (and, you can see by the state of the table in front of her, with little mess :)) so proud!!

zane came with me to my ultrasound yesterday just to check on pickles and see how everything was measuring. my dr went over the results today at my 34 week appointment. everything looks good and healthy. pickles is measuring in the 93rd (or 91st?? i can't remember) percentile for it's size, about 2 weeks ahead. i said i wasn't too surprised, zane and i have been saying this baby is a beast from early on and it's movements lately go along with our predictions. (watch, we'll have a little peanut! i'll just say, if it is a peanut, it's one hell of a strong nut...) my dr commented that with avery's size at birth, the tear i had and this baby's current stats, she's glad we made the decision for a c-section.

some other random tidbits...

*today i went out and got some new fabric for burp cloths. we have a ton of cloths leftover from avery, but a lot are stained and i wanted a few fresh/summery designs. on the way home, i was on the off ramp of the highway and there were canadian geese by the side of the road. two of them took off a little too late and smacked into my windshield! the first hit with a HUGE thump (avery said "uh-oh" in the backseat for a good 3o seconds) and the second hit the first and then my car. both flew away on their own, but it was startling and i felt horrible and cried for a while afterwards.

*our cinco de mayo get together was (almost) a complete flop :) we didn't have any of the food ready, i never got around to making strawberry daiquiris and only 2 people showed up (maybe letting people know more than 3 days ahead of time would have helped?). the highlights: the 2 women that showed up both have daughters (one is 10 months, the other is almost 2), it was really nice being able to chat with them and get to know them better, and the girls got to interact without too many people around, and the food was yummy. i felt terrible that we weren't prepared (and in the end it was zane that did virtually all the cooking and getting ready. thanks, love!!) and was hoping our guests weren't disappointed that no one else was showing up!

*it's been rainy/dreary here for days now and i'm SO ready for the nice weather again. hmph.

i hear zane and avery back from their walk. gotta run...

grilling makes us happy.

expecting it to be really rainy and gross all weekend, we planned to get a lot done with the baby's room. the weather turned out to be pretty nice on saturday though, so we weren't as productive as we hoped. things are still a bit jumbled and disorganized upstairs, but we're slowly getting there :) while we worked, avery layed in the middle of our bed and read a book on "bliss".

on sunday, g-ma kathy came down to visit and play. that afternoon she and zane worked hard to make a meal fit for kings. steak tips, fish, twice baked potatoes, fresh grilled asparagus, sweet corn, brats, crescent rolls...the weather wasn't perfect, but the food was! my parents came over too and we all got to witness avery's newfound love of corn. she went to town on 2 (almost 3) half ears of corn and got kind of mad at zane when he took them away...luckily he had a few bites of a brownie ready to coax her out of her fit ;)

towards the end of the meal, she kept saying "toes" over and over. slowly we noticed her little foot creeping up her chair and onto the table. she sure didn't know what to do with herself after she got into this position. (just a side note, avery is suddenly obsessed with/in awe of the bottom of her feet :) i don't know if it's from all the scubbing we do to them in the bath recently b/c she gets so dirty during the day or what...tonight she was holding her foot up and trying to lick the bottom...yum!)

i'm about 34 weeks now. if i was this irritable and cranky and impatient and moody and irrationally upset during this part of avery's pregnancy, i certainly don't remember it. i feel like i'm still sleeping okay, not perfect, but being awake because of tossing and turning is a lot easier for me than being awake and having to take care of another person. i feel like i've accepted the aches and pains that are going along with this pregnancy.

don't know what it is. little things that really are not a big deal (and i can tell myself in the moment aren't a big deal) make me want to lose my mind. avery was tossing every item of food i offered for lunch today over the side of her chair onto the floor. finally i growled "stop it!", which was immediately followed by a flood of tears. mine, not hers. she just stared at me, then mocked my crying, which made me kind of start to laugh which just made me cry even harder. it was a mess of an afternoon :) but...when i went to get her up from her nap, avery was pretty groggy and we sat in the recliner for a while with her head on my shoulder. it was the most perfect moment of the day and made me feel almost like i wasn't a complete idiot for grumbling at her earlier.

enough of my whining. this week we're having some people over for cinco de mayo (neighbors, very informal, all have kids, hope they show :)), an u/s on wednesday, a drs appointment on thursday, zane takes a teacher test on saturday and then mother's day on sunday. these distractions are all very welcomed :)

second attempt at video

see explanation below...

pickles moving more.

the quality of this isn't great and it's bare belly, but you get the picture :) pickles likes to move. a lot.
this is just the tail end of it's wiggles. and my belly isn't always that lopsided. i'm guessing the lump on the left side of my belly was it's behind, s/he loves to just push it out and leave it there while it moves its arms and legs.