*****elios and fruit roll ups*****

I’ve given up the guilt about not eating well right now. I’ve resorted to frozen meals, salty crunchy things and fruit roll ups. By the time I figure out what I can eat and not feel sick from, I have to eat within minutes. Yesterday I ran out to the grocery store after I realized that I wanted (make that NEEDED) elios pizza. While I was there I was so hungry and needed to eat SOMETHING, so while I was checking out I ripped into the fruit roll ups I grabbed and devoured two. Yes, I’m gross. But I truly can’t help it. There’s no time for making meals from scratch, not right now at least. I’m still trying to make dinners for zane (and avery now!) and it’s nice to have homemade food that I could heat up later if I wanted.

This is mostly a whining session for my records, so that down the road when I see a cute pregnant lady and start to reminisce and daydream about what a wonderful idea it would be to get pregnant again I can remember just how hard the first part is for me.

My nights. Funny, Just as Avery starts sleeping through the night for real (we put her down between 6 and 6:30 and she wakes up in the morning around 6-7) I have to start waking up multiple times to eat. It’s not just a “hey, I’m kinda hungry and could go for a little snack” type of feeling. It’s a “I’m so tired and want to roll over but a) if I lay down I feel sick to my stomach and b) if I don’t eat something in the next 5 minutes I’ll probably throw up”. And, unfortunately, by the time I wake up hungry, I’m usually too far gone to actually have anything sound remotely tasty.

I feel bad because it’s so hard to be really happy and excited the first trimester. I want to prepare myself (as if that’s really even possible) for the possibility that something will go wrong, and when I’m thinking positively and start getting excited, I feel too crummy to really enjoy it.

the 2 week countdown..

here are two videos, taken just a few days apart. they show how much better avery is at walking now! :) in just 2 weeks she'll be a year old!! i was looking at some old videos today from just before we moved, and it's amazing how much she's grown up in 6 months. it's also amazing how much her hair has grown :) i think we need a cut... :(

this phone was made for walking...

over the weekend, zane and i rearranged the living and dining rooms a bit so that we could take down the gate/fence and let avery roam even more. since then, she's been trying to walk everywhere! she loves going to the sliding glass doors and watching the dogs play in the backyard. she loves walking to the dining room table, dropping on all fours and crawling under all the chairs. she loves taking her fake credit card and pushing it through the rungs on the back of her chair, then sticking her little arm through to get it back. she's free and she loves it!

today she got her hands on our cell phone and wouldn't let go of it. soon enough she'll be walking and talking :)

*i'm having severe issues with blogger right now. it won't let me upload any more pictures. blegh*

lots of new stuff!

i can't even remember exactly when avery started doing some these things, but it can't have been too long...

*whenever she drops something over the side of her highchair, she says "uh-oh" in the quietest, sweetest voice :)

*she points at everything. we were at the store the other day and she kept grunting and pointing. turns out there was an elmo that i missed in an aisle.

*if you ask her what a doggy says, she'll answer "ooof, ooof", kind of under her breath and whispery

*new word: "elmo", actually more like "ehro" :)

*playing with her tongue a lot more, sticking it out and pulling it in quick, making noises with her mouth

*new love of sharing. she'll have a toy, come over to you, hand you the toy, wait for you to give it back, repeat.

*she loves doing squats. in the middle of the room, she'll stand herself up, squat down, stand up again, squat. after a few reps she'll start walking :) (she's so controlled and careful with her walking, it's precious. i've seen lots of kids take off with their wobbly little legs flailing all over the place. i thought that's they way they all did it. avery has to make sure she's steady before she moves anywhere :))

*since she won't drink milk out of her old sippy cups, i bought her a new cup with a straw and it's been a bit more successful. i think the coldness of the milk is new to her and startles her with each sip, but she's getting there!

i have a couple videos i uploaded but they're on the other computer...will try to post tomorrow.

********someone make it stop!*******

well, not really, cause this way i know things are working the way they should. but still...

i've learned one important thing so far. if you're not 110% positive that you want to eat what's in front of you, don't eat it. if there's something in the back of your head saying "buffalo wings and fries", but you think that's crazy cause of the grease and the heartburn and the heaviness, go with your GUT instinct.

the other day i ate a bagel with cream cheese all in one sitting! and it was before 1pm!! i felt pretty full afterwards, but i didn't feel sick. a little while later i had a craving for a panera salad with soup. i knew i wasn't going out to get it by myself, so i pushed the thought away. when zane got home from work, i still had the craving and he was nice enough to agree to have panera for dinner. i scarfed on the salad and some of the soup. i was full again but not sick. and when i woke up in the middle of the night, expecting to feel that gnawing hunger/nausea, i didn't feel anything! i got up anyway and had a little snack to tide me for a few more hours. the next day i felt pretty good as long as i didn't get an empty stomach.

suddenly it's friday. zane gets home from work and we take avery to the play space for a quick outing. i was starting to feel hungry before we left, but tried to ignore it and packed some chips and a clementine if i needed it. by the time we were leaving the play space, i was so hungry that i was feeling sick. i pushed the "buffalo and fries" out of my head because i didn't want to spend the money and i knew we needed to get avery home for her own dinner, bath and bed. i ended up making pasta shells with butter and salt because it was easy and i thought i could eat a few. i didn't want them necessarily, but ate them anyway.

BIG mistake. minutes later my stomach hurt and i felt terrible. all night i tried eating little bits of anything to make it go away. i "slept" sitting up all night and couldn't find one thing that was appealing to eat. this morning was as bad as i think i've ever felt pregnant. i will never ignore a craving again.

i absolutely cannot WAIT until i can eat like a normal person again and make dinners for the family and enjoy mealtimes.

Happy Birthday, Love!!

it's zane's birthday today! to celebrate, we went to the opening day of a local play space open from november to april :) for a small fee (and a few volunteer time slots), we get unlimited use of the space during weekday afternoons and saturday mornings. there's a space for crawlers and early toddlers with lots of mats and "baby" toys, then areas for kids a little older with lots of train tables and pretend play. in a bigger room off to the left are lots of trikes, slides, balls, etc for the older kids. avery had a blast!! she met a few kids her age and had fun figuring out how to go up (and down) slides. it'll be so nice to be able to get out when it's cold and go somewhere so cheery and uplifting!

as for avery's first halloween...it was AWESOME! in the afternoon we walked up to the closest town square where they were letting kids trick or treat in the stores. i was expecting some people, but had no idea how popular it would be! my mom came along and she and zane say there were at least 600 people if not a lot more there. we scored avery a few pieces of candy and were proud that she was the only pig we saw! the dogs even came along and did amazing.

after we had exhausted the square and made our way through the crowds, we walked back to my parent's neighborhood to show off our pig :) she got to play in the leaves and walk up and down the sidewalk for a while before the sun started to go down and it got colder.

once we got home we tried watching an old school scary movie in between trips to the front door to greet trick or treaters (it was so fun to finally have kids come by and get candy!!!), but we were both too tired to stay up and finish it. we turned in early, but all in all it was a great halloween :)

*to answer a few people's questions... i found this costume at a local party store. when grandma kathy was here we went to the store looking at costumes and 1st birthday supplies. once we saw the pig, there was no way we couldn't get it :)*

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

11 months, 1 day :)

so i thought i had posted today with a video from youtube, but it never showed up...i'm sure it'll be on here in days (or weeks) to come...

anyway, to recap...avery was 11 months yesterday!! to celebrate she let me capture a few of her steps on video :) the day before she was at my parents house and took about 10 steps before she looked back at me to smile and lost her footing. she gets really focused on what she's doing and is so careful with her steps, any side-tracking usually puts her on the floor :) she's doing such a good job though and is SO proud of herself when she starts moving. it's too cute to watch, YAY AVERY!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65jTIpqFxYY#

not much else is going on. the weather is definitely getting colder (i just came in from feeding the dogs and can almost smell someone's fire going), zanes trying to get yard stuff finished while he still can. tomorrow i'll have pictures of avery in her halloween costume :)

******first OB appointment*******

ok, so i've already been feeling real crappy for a couple weeks now. it's the same story--my stomach feels empty. so nauseous. and the ONLY thing that will help is food. if i wasn't experiencing it myself, i'd think it was the craziest thing i'd ever heard. but it's true. food--well, only the exact right food--is the answer.

anyway, we have a dr's appt scheduled for 4ish today. zane gets out of work to come, avery's nap lines up perfectly with our departure, and i am so anxious on top of already feeling gross. we get to the dr's, sign in, and wait wait wait wait. i know it's the end of the day (i think we were the last appointment), but i am about to go out of my mind. avery keeos us occupied by throwing every magazine she can get her hands on off the coffee tables. the receptionist iss so apologetic and friendly, chatting us up about living in nh, then the boston area, zane being a teacher, knowing how to get to the hospital, awful birth stories, etc.

finally, we're in. we meet the dr. and she's so unbelievably nice i start to relax...a little. she's already read my records from my previous ob, knows about avery's birth and is open to just about any question or concern we throw out there. zane leaves with avery for a few minutes while i get a quick exam, then he's called back in for an informal ultrasound to date the pregnancy--my cycle was clearly thrown off and i have no idea how far along we are.

avery was playing with my eyeball (she is fascinated with eyes!) and i'm trying to breath in through my nose, out through my mouth. we see the baby. and then we see the flickering of the heartbeat! i had absolutely no idea how i'd feel seeing another baby in avery's first "home", but i was immediately in love. it's real. we're about 7 weeks along. avery's going to be a big sister!!!

trying again...

snapfish pictures?

k. not sure if this is going to work either, but worth a try. no picture captions and they're all out of order, but it's the best i can do for now :)

before...

after...

included, 2 pictures of avery and her first pumpkin (or really, just it's remains from when she was done with it) for fun ;)

some pics and the current napping situation

not sure if kodak is working all the way yet. when i was trying to create the album it was taking forever and skipping around a bunch. if you can see the album, disregard these pictures....just a few of what's already there.

*naps* my mom told me a little bit ago that one of my sister's (dont remember which one, sorry!) and i both moved to 1 nap a day when we were 10 months old. looks like avery might be taking after me when it comes to sleep :( neither one of us are the best sleepers (i have hope for her though!), and recently she's been really weird and erratic with her naps. seems like she's not needing that morning nap as much anymore. we'll see...maybe it's just teething? those swollen gums/teeth are still going strong on top. i can't even imagine how uncomfortable it must be!!

grandma kathy's visit

we had a great week with grandma kathy here! some highlights...and a photo album!

*celebrating kathy's birthday with an awesome mexican dinner (after we stopped by the park down the street and played on the playground :)! avery ate a ton of food off our plates (tomatoes, guacamole, taco beef, chicken, broccoli, cheese), but was scared stiff whenever our waiter came by. the hostess even gave avery a balloon which she was thrilled with! (even though it was grandma's birthday, i think avery had more fun with the balloon...)

*running various errands throughout the week and having kathy sit in back with avery and hearing their "conversations" and fun :)

*buying zane's graduation present finally! better late than never :)

*having a tree guy come and clear out all the branches that were hanging over our deck and roof. the backyard looks so much more open and bright now!

*zane and kathy worked long and hard on getting rid of (most of) the bushes in front of the house! we've kept one bush in tact (for my grandparents that lived here) and it'll be next to whatever we plant for paul next to the stairs. it's definitely weird to see the front of the house without the bushes, but a nice change--and hopefully we can make it look even nicer.

*we've officially got avery's first word(s). for a while now, whenever she's seen a cat, she's made a certain string of babbles that always includes the "itty" sound. but now it's shortened to, and consistently, "DITTY!" our cats, cats in books, cats on tv, stuffed cats...they are "ditty". a few days later, we noticed she was calling our dogs "DODDY!" so. there are her firsts...:)

*it was so exciting for kathy to be here for avery's first steps! she took 2 about a week ago and hadn't taken anymore until tonight (just another 1 or 2). i think when she thinks about it too much, she chickens out, but if she's distracted enough, she goes for it!

*on thursday night we went to brandeis university for an exhibit on tradeswomen that kathy was a part of!!! created by an author (and tradeswoman) that kathy knew and had been interviewed by for her book, the exhibit showcased artistic and creative interpretations from the perspective of the tradeswoman. it was such a wonderful tribute, kathy had 3 quotes displayed/incoporated into the exhibit and we got some great shots of avery wearing her "my GRAND mom is a union carpenter" t-shirt, that zane wore when he was little!

*eating dinner with grammy and gramps twice this week! once at our house with home made pot roast and veggies (kathy makes a mean pot roast!) and a dice game and once out at bugaboo, where avery sat near the "ditty" (aka bill the bison) and loved it whenever he came to life and talked.

that's all i can say right now...avery woke up today with another cold (BOOOOOOOO!) and can't sleep for more than a half hour stretch it seems. it's going to be a long night :(

*update* i wrote this entry last night but didn't get a chance to finish it. sure enough, avery was up from about 7:3o until midnight. her nose was runny, she seemed miserable and just wanted to be held while she slept :( fortunately, after midnight, she slept right through until almost 7. this morning we noticed her upper gums are really swollen and you can tell where her top 4 teeth will come through. so maybe it's a little bit of a cold and a lotta bit of teething. we gave her tylenol and oragel this morning and she took a 2 1/2 hour nap this afternoon! i'm praying that these teeth break through SOON!

the pull of spaghetti is irresistable!

well. friday we celebrated our 4 year anniversary! actually, we mostly argued about where we were going to eat and if avery would come with us or not...in the end we stayed in and ate chinese food :) (and i got a beautiful bunch of flowers on saturday morning-complete with cards, coffee and a bagel.)

but...the best part...!

grandma kathy is here! she got in yesterday afternoon and we've been having a blast ever since. not only did we take our FIRST 2 STEPS today (!!!! YAY!!!!), pull out most of the enormous bushes in front of the house, find avery a cute pair of soft shoes that fit her feet, we also had fun creating a mess (and a FULL belly) with spaghetti :)

here was the progression of the meal...

clean and pretty pre-dinner

after a few minutes of being demure and cautious, she finally digs in!

she alternated between throwing pieces on the floor, stuffing her face and touching her face :)

"MORE MORE MORE!"

i think it was a hit!

i wonder if she'll have any fun with cake next month? haha...

full fall weekend!

HERE is the album from this weekend

we had a pretty busy weekend! on saturday morning we joined meghan, michael and "team moretti" for a 3 mile walk for diabetes in boston. it was a beautiful (and windy/chilly) day, and we were happy to be out and about. the "walk" turned out to be "standing" for large chunks of time and in the end (or halfway through) it was almost avery's lunchtime and we hadn't brought enough food to keep her going. my dad picked us up in cambridge and we got home in time for her to eat and finally nap before a breakdown :)

on saturday evening we had a bunch of people over for an overdue housewarming/oktoberfest party :) we had our beer ready for people to taste (i think it was a hit! most people went back for a second or more!), lots and lots of food (zane will be eating pulled pork for weeks!) and an impromptu destruction site in the basement when the guys helped zane destroy an old couch so we could use it for firewood outside. all in all, a great time. i always feel guilty when we host something and i dont get a chance to really see/talk to everyone, but hopefully people had a good time! avery had so much fun at the beginning when some of the neighbor kids came over and kept her entertained :) and she was a trooper when we put her to bed without her usual bath routine. she only woke up once during the night and went back down with a little shushing.

on sunday we decided to take avery, the dogs and grammy apple picking :) despite the cold, mud, bugs and hoards of people, we had fun. we got lots of apples for snacking and pie making, some shots of avery with apples and pumpkins, the dogs had fun roaming the fields, we ate apple doughnuts and a scenic ride through the backroads with lots of foliage and fall decorations.

******we're WHAT?!?!?******

ok. so not many (actually, make that NO ONE) is seeing this post for another few months, but i want to get it out there for zane and i (and our kiddoS :))

i woke up last night a few times with a strange pounding in my chest. it wasn't painful, just annoying and it wasn't until the 3rd or so time i woke up that i started remembering when i had felt it before.

morning came, zane was downstairs watching sports. avery was just waking up. i decided to take a test--suspicious, but REALLY not expecting anything. almost immediately i saw the "+" forming. i ran to avery's room, grabbed her from her crib and ran downstairs, shoved the test on the arm of the couch next to zane and said "does that look like a plus to you?!?!"

confusion. speechlessness. giddiness. fear. hugs. kisses. avery playing on the rug like any other day...

we took a walk with the dogs and avery and tried to make sense of it all. we went apple picking with the dogs, avery and my mom and i started getting excited seeing all the families there with toddlers and young babies. we come home and it's back to shock.

i started thinking about all those times, in the days and weeks following paul's death, when i'd be sitting with avery in the rocking chair and saying to myself, saying outloud to paul "PLEASE, please give me some sign that you're ok. that we'll all be ok. that things are ok."

in a time of so much hurt and disbelief and grief, i think things are going to be ok :)